how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
