So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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