Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
