I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
