Just fell off a train. Bad.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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