pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
