Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
