Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
