oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she peed on how many people?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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