420 ftw
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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