my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
