Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
His nipple licking is glorious
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