Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
