he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
