New invention idea: vibrating tampons
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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