..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
