I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
