She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
