This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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