In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
