Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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