My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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