the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
