So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
