Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
