Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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