I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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