Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
