in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
