no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
