We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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