If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My life is pants optional.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
