I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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