so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize