I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
we made out on top of his cat.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
