So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
