When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
