Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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