Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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