Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
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