if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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