Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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