I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
