just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
