She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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