Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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