Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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