i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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