I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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