Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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