She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
