I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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