It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
