Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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