I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
