I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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