Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
