You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
