She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
