I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
