OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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