If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I have fence marks all over my body
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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