You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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